Dear Fuckingham

I am sorry I am so creepy.

PS, Hey, Uncle Jessie

NOTHING PERSONAL.

You want the truth?

I think you're a fucking asshole.

Don't even try to play off your bitchyness by saying, "Just kidding!" when you obviously are not. Frankly, I am tired of your "just kidding!" attitude and I think it's time to fucking grow up.

The difference between you and me, is that I at least admit that I can be an asshole or a bitch or I stepped over the line of what is okay to say and what is not okay to say. You tell me that I am really rude, but I'm only rude to you when you're out of line or your attitude fucking sucks. And then SOMETIMES, I "hurt your feelings" without knowing it. I can't tell you that I'm sorry if you don't talk to me about it. Shit.

PS, You always sing an octave too high or too low (and you sound like a toad when you sing too low) and out of key.

Congratulations.

Everything personal.

Photo credit: Keltie's blog a long time ago. I think.

"Why don't I ask me how I feel about this."

Stuck in a rut. Waiting for the universe.

I hate to quote this band and this song, but it's ringing true. I don't want it to ring true.

"But I'm stuck in this fucking rut

waiting on a second-hand pick me up

And I'm over getting older."

This is me.

Photo cred: Alee G.

I need to start taking pictures again.

Life is getting heavy.

It's time to laugh.

Read the conversations.

Okay, more funnies. This time from my twitter (sorry about the twitter diarrhea. That's just where I record the most funny things that come out of my brain. And I'm sorry my blog is usually used for heavy thoughts. I am making up for it all with this blog post.)

Oh, excuse me as I LOL.

I'll just stick that in my memory box.

Had another night out with the girls before we all go our separate ways. Get togethers like those make me happy-sad. Sad because I do not want to part ways with these girls but happy because we are spending time together and talking. I felt like we were all very old friends, chatting it up at Bistro Provence, looking chic and the picture of sophistication. Delicious French food, expensive shoes, hilarious conversations about all sorts of things, and good memories. I felt connected again. It's been a long time since I have felt connected. I hope the first semester flies by. I already miss everyone.

I hope everything works out.

PS, the shoes (yes they are platform and yes they are Michael Kors(!)):

I was just thinking.

I still feel abandoned. Do you read this? I told you that you could and that offer still rings true. I think a part of me hopes you do, so I can still stay somewhat connected, even if you blocked my emails and deleted me from your facebook friends list (which felt a little like I was deleted from existence, like I just disappeared off the earth when you clicked the X by my name and photo.) The email was such a shock. I didn't really know what to do or how to respond. I liked the thought of keeping in touch. I thought we would be friends now.

Brianna wanted to make plans, and we talked about orientation on Saturday, and I wondered who I'd see if I went. I decided there were some people I'd like to see, wouldn't mind seeing, and then there were people I didn't want to see, and your name was on that list. And it's not because I don't like you-- I still do, even after the email. I can't help but think you are so genuine and intelligent. But I'm not ready to see you. I guess a part of me is still angry and sad and shocked and hurt. And maybe to you, it wasn't that big of a deal, and maybe it really isn't a big deal, and Alee and I blew it way out of proportion, but I can't choose how I feel. I used to talk on this blog about how I would forge on fearlessly like Keltie Colleen and Live Life Full Out, but I feel so alone with all these changes that it is way too hard to and it's just better that I stop pretending, and I think the reminder that you aren't there anymore scrapes at my insides. Well. You are there. But you aren't THERE. I hate losing people. I think I have felt hollow since the eighth grade but I didn't know it until my senior year. Your absence is a reminder of so many things that I would love to forget.

Today was a good/bad day. I will now make a list.

Bad:

1. Had a sad dream. My chain would not spark to light the flame so I could fly my rocket to a boy across the ocean. It was night time and the sky was starry, but my rocket would not go. The water was cold and had splashed onto the dock that I was on. I was so sad and I woke up feeling a little empty.

2. Hanging out with all the girls I used to eat lunch with and went to school with made me realize that was our last hurrah before we went our separate ways. I know I stopped eating lunch with them halfway through the year, but I never want to lose any of them. It makes me so sad to think that maybe I won't get to see them until a 10 year high school reunion.

3. Another reminder I'm not going back to high school with Brianna. I love that girl and it makes me sad that we're getting closer now that I've left. I'm not going back with Anita or Vanessa, Justin, Cara, Ashley (I don't fucking care if everyone hates her.), Stephanie, Colton, Katie, Charlie, anyone who I associated myself with.

4. It's kind of miniscule, but Ticketmaster was being a sincere a-hole. Like, if I could have slapped that website, I definitely would have.

5. Knowing big scary things await in the rest of this week and the rest of my life.

Good:

1. If I could have put today on repeat, I would have. I missed those girls and it was so good to just chill at Molly's, eating obscene amounts of food and playing Catch Phrase, and just sitting and talking. So great. I love just sitting and talking with people, and remembering special moments that we have shared. I have only ever had one other time like that: when I hung out with Anne, Alee and Justin and we recalled our fondest memories of one another. That was another night I wouldn't mind having on repeat for a while.

2. Finally overpaying for concert tickets. A small win.

3. Talking. Talking talking talking. Thinking, taking off the mask, letting myself just BE. Letting myself think about things.

But for some reason, even though there are only three good and five bad, the good outweighs the bad.

Photo cred: Myself. Starbucks with Bucio's camera.

I'm sharing this.

There's not enough soil in the earth for how deep I want to be buried.
There's not enough water in the oceans for how slowly I want to sink.
There's not enough fire in the sun for how brightly I want to burn.
There aren't enough words in my head to say all the things I can't.
There's not enough blood in my body for all I need to bleed.
There aren't enough couches in the world for how long I want to sleep.
There's not enough life in me, for all I want to live.
All I've had enough of, is you.

From my favorite, pleasefindthis.

I walk around with the same question on my lips.

"What am I gonna do now?"

The answer is, "Whatever you want."

I like photos that represent how I feel. I wonder how long it will be this way.

Dear universe,

I am officially waving my white flag.

Love, Morgan.

Photo cred: Me, myself and I. Photo 1: I-10. Photo two: Starbucks.

Oh, hello.

I've sent you letters and you haven't responded. I've been wishing at 11.11 and at every fallen eyelash. Can you hear me?

Are you listening?

Are you listening?

This is me.

"Here girl, dry your tears with this ShamWow."

These guys keep appearing in my dreams and it's really strange. Especially the one with the Saul Williams poem. Excuse me as I LOL at that one.

Dear Dream Lord,

Please tell me what my dreams mean.

Love, Morgan.

I like all the lonely looking photos.

This is probably because I am.

I think all of my flaw vision (looks-wise) comes down to being lonely and alone. I'm having a hard time telling myself that my body is actually pretty nice and HEALTHY. It's so hard to see any beauty when you don't have anyone telling you about it (and I'm sorry, but friends don't count. They just don't.)

I keep thinking about the future. I keep wondering if it's a good idea for me to start up school immediately. I want to move out of this house but I don't want to be alone.

UNIVERSE, I AM RIGHT HERE. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

This is me.

Photo cred #1: G.R. Finneran. Somewhere in Canada, I believe.

Photo cred #2: Me. Photobooth. My house. Believe it or not, I am not wearing eyeliner.

Stop calling me crazy.

I'm pretty positive that I'm depressed and I'm taking it out on myself.

Photo credit: I can't remember. I just know I didn't take it.

Last night.

Instead of feeling like this:

I felt like this: 

I think it because of the lack of people.

Multiple Personalities

Yesterday, my friend Colton and I took photos at his house and down the street by a smelly man made lake that should never be swam in. It was a very Lady Gaga-esque day. Colton also stole my friend Anita's indian costume from Peter Pan from the school's costume room (he couldn't find mine). Oh, and I got semi naked for art (tastefully done, I think.). Here are some photos because I know you're so interested in it.

Characters: Stalking Deer from Peter Pan the musical, Wonder Woman, Snow White, some chick in a jean jacket, another random one with nude tights, leo, heels and a red belt (in the previous entry), and Jemima from CATS the musical.

   

 

 

 

 

Go green.

I hate concrete.

Where it happened.