If I could be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand

I really hate uninspired dancers.

Dear you,

I'm struggling. A lot. I don't know where I'll be living or if I will even be driving. And there is a part of me that is so excited to be studying art and english, and at the same time, a part of me feels abandoned. There's a part of me that really wants to keep dancing and dance professionally and be in CATS. But I know that my body isn't made for dancing. I want to act in movies, but I have had no training and that is such a hard industry to break into.

I am trying to live my life Full Out and Fearless but there is so much that is so hard to be fearless with, and it is just so easy to do things half way. There is so much I need to be doing but I am not.

And worst of all, I am lonely. There was a moment in my dream last night that was so nice, and I woke up and thought, "That was such a strange dream. But I wish that one part was real." I know the difference between being alone and lonely and I am both. But silly me, love is for winners.

I am sorry I haven't been more communicative with you. I'm sorry I rarely hang out with you. Whenever I hang out with you, I have a good time in the moment. And then, at the end of the day, I realize I never said a word. And when I did tell a story, it wasn't funny enough. I don't fit in with you guys. Maybe individually. But I feel that I've always been an outsider whenever I come over and all your friends who are sixteen are there, especially now that I've graduated. You guys laugh at each others jokes and talk about things that I have no idea what you're talking about because I was a senior and not a part of your everyday life. I don't want to say it's because I'm older, but you know, maybe that's it. I don't have your sense of humor- as hilarious as it is. I'm eighteen and I can't pull off the same style of "funny" as you and your friends do. I feel really left out when I'm at your house. And then when I do talk, I'm interrupted (and I had to interrupt someone to even get the first word out) and then no one laughs or gets what I'm saying and then I look like an asshole and I get really bad headaches with everyone talking over one another. I think you're hilarious. I think you're a really awesome, kick ass, rad chick. But I just don't know what to say. It's hard to try and make someone feel good when it makes you feel like shit.

And it's not even that I have my own life. I really don't. I haven't talked to the majority of my high school friends. I'm not a part of their plans, and really, they aren't a part of mine. The only friends I have hung out with this summer are Alee, Anne, Justin (like, once), and then you and whoever has been at your pool soirees. I have one friend who says they're not avoiding me but it still feels like it. I feel like they don't really care too much about me. Trust me, I care about you. I still want to get to know you. But whenever I see you, you're putting on your I'm Happy face and we're not really talking about something that really matters. I want to talk to you about something that matters.

So, I guess, all I can say is that I'm sorry. I don't want to be aloof and I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to find myself.

Love,

Me.

Look what I can do.

Just because I don't exploit the fact that I'm a dancer, choreographer, artist, photographer, dreamer, whatever doesn't mean that I'm not any of those. It just means that I'm a private person and I don't like to "toot my own horn" so to speak.

I guess I'm just saying that I should be recognized. I'm worth being recognized. I'm good enough to be recognized. I hate that I'm second best and I have been all my life. Why can't just one person say more than, "I liked your pictures"?

Words come out of my mouth. Art comes out of my hands. Dance comes out of my soul. Don't put my name on some fucking list after everyone else.

Look at me, I'm Morgan Miller! I'm an artist! I'm a writer! I'm a dancer/choreographer! I express things through all forms of art! I'm just so deep that no one can compare!

Is that what I have to say?

Come on, guys. Let's just... Come on. Let's just be simple about this.

Oh, excuse me, did I offend you?

I say "fuck" a lot.

1. Your douche bag factor increases just about every moment of every day. It never goes down. Sometimes, it stops, but give it a moment or two and it will keep climbing, again. You don't tell me the truth and you've got the ignoring thing down pat. And I hate it when you make friends with my friends and then talk to them more than you talk to me. Fuck you.

2. You're incredibly annoying. You bothered me, then you didn't bother me and now your bothering me again. You avoid people a lot (and that bothers me).

3. You're such an asshole. You call them assholes and you're one, too. Get off your high horse and stop acting like you're so much better than the rest of us. At least I admit that I'm an asshole. PS, I pretend to laugh at virtually all of your jokes.

4. Words cannot express how much I hate your fucking guts. Karma's a bitch, you know.

5. Your decision hurt us. I'm trying to understand, but I really don't. What the hell is going on with you?

6. SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. And stop acting like I'm not funny. Just because I don't make immature jokes doesn't mean I'm not funny. It means I'm more mature.

7. I can't explain why, but you bother me so much. The things that come out of your mouth make me want to beat the bloody pulp out of you.

8. Every time you put a cigarette between your lips, I want to smash it in your face, but I'd rather not burn my hand. (No, Alee, this isn't you. You don't light up around me.)

9. I treasure the moments when you shut your mouth.

10. I found an old note you gave me in middle school. At first I was mad that you pinned that situation on me and then I reread it in that moment and laughed at how much of a fucking idiot you are.

Nothing personal.


Don't ask who you are, I'm not telling you. Ever. I'll ignore you if you ask. Oh, and don't ask if you're even on here. I'll ignore that, too.

You're right.

I'm bitter and jealous and there isn't anything anybody can do about it.

Photo credit: Ahh the power of Google images.

I'm a walking travesty, but I'm smiling at everything

"She danced not like she was circling a fire, but as if she were in the fire. No. No. As if she were the fire." - A. G.

Photo credit: C. Clifford

PS, Yes, that is me in the photograph.

You're not very good with words, are you?

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." - E. A. Poe

Photo credit: T. Miller

I've been kind of crabby lately.

I blame it on you.

Frauke hast Foto's.

Check zem aut on ze flickr account.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/fraukesfotos/

Shaking off the towel.

Three ways to avoid someone who you don't want to be friends with anymore:

1. The Graduate. Either you or the person you don't care about anymore can be the graduate, but make sure that you don't try and contact them and ignore whatever form of contact they try with you. It's really effective, because you never have to see them again. Of course, once you do this, there's no going back, because the person who you ignore will start thinking you're a fucking asshole.

2. The Busy Body. Pretend you want to stay friends but plan a lot of things with other people so you "can't" do anything with them. Or, just pretend like you have plans. That always works, too.

3. The Traveler. Move to another city.

I'm done. Really. I'm shaking off the towel that I so desperately tried to stay on so I didn't have to sit in the sand. But I want you to know that I'm not going inside, yet. I'm going somewhere better than this mess of sand and salt.

PS, Alee, this is not about you.

My time in exile

I really fucking hate that you only talk to me when it's convenient for you.

Much too much.

I get the feeling I'd win.