Monday, June 29, 2009

Doesn't hurt to ask, right?

Now that you are retired, can I have your feet?

Dear God,
May I please have Alessandra Ferri's feet, Sylvie Guillem's legs, and Polina Seminova's body and arms?

What she said.

"I think there is a mirror somewhere between your life and mine."

photo: by me. taken at A. Pugh's household with her father's camera.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Friday, June 26, 2009

Here to brighten your day.

Hi, I'm your internet and I'm going to be a douche bag because you updated Safari. That's not really an asshole thing to do, but I really love annoying you, so that's going to be my reason for not letting you go to certain websites and closing sometimes. It's just how it's going to be. Nothing personal.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

This feels like it.

Here is my acceptance speech. It is hard, but it's what has to be done. I get the feeling you want it, too. But that's okay. I will be okay with this.

Photo: My own. My room and my door.

I would like you to open up now.

I'm sorry if I have been knocking two too many times. I just want to make sure that you hear me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chucking a spaz.

I went to Barnes and Noble and ventured to the magazines. Three tabloids were about RPattz and KStew (omg stfu about it already. Srsly.) and one magazine was ALL ABOUT TWILIGHT. WHAT THE?!?!? What is the world coming to? All about Twilight? And all these tabloids about so-called "secret lovers?" Really, world? Really? True story.

PS, I am so sick of seeing Jon and Kate on tabloids. Seriously. Whoever is deciding that it's a good idea to photograph two people and their children is fucked in the head. I feel so bad for them.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

After you left.

Le sigh. Where do I begin today?
I have not updated in a couple days. I have been sitting at home, eating a lot and watching a lot of TV. I really need to get my license and get out of here, but I would only be spending money (and I'm running out of that fast.)

Anne has gone to Nebraska to do theatre things for the week. I miss driving around with her. Whenever we drive around, we talk and sing along horribly to whatever we're listening to and we think. I'm kind of counting the days until she returns.

Alee is away at Sara Sebesta's house, dog/house sitting while she is away for the week. I rarely got to see her, but I feel as if she is farther away than normal. I haven't talked to her in a while.

Along with feeling lonely, I am feeling jealousy and sadnosity. I am a little hurt. Both reasons are probably dumb, but it's what I feel and I can't help it. If I could just STOP feeling the way I do, I'd be kicking some serious ass.
I will not be sharing why I am feeling jealous (which is also one of the reasons for having heavy boots), but I will share the heavy boots.
Bryan, or maybe I should call him Mr. Owens again, has decided to cut contact with current and former students. He emailed me and just said that he was cutting contact and that he didn't want people emailing him on his personal email (I didn't know it was personal), but he didn't say why. And I think it sucks because I liked sending him stories and I wondered if he ever read this blog (because I gave him the site).
It made me wonder if I'd see him again.
I had this thought about a month or two before graduation. I wondered if I'd get to keep in touch with a bunch of people, and Mr. Owens was one of them. He is such a TEACHER. And not only in the English language, but a LIFE teacher. You can never have too many of those.
I feel now that if I saw him in public, I should ignore him and not make contact like he asked (maybe that's not what he had in mind, but it's what I'm thinking). I'm already sort of trying to do that with someone else and it's very hard for me to do. It's so hard to let go. I am hardly adaptable.

"You know what it's all about? Being able to lose the things that you don't need anyway." - Keltie (I'm pretty sure she said it.)

Not related to Mr. Owens:
Here is the real real truth.
I love you but I need to let go of you for me. Because you don't actively talk to me, it's making it a little easier, but I still miss you from time to time.
I hope that, one day, I can walk by you and not feel the need to smile and say hello. I'm sorry if that hurts, but it is how it is.
I guess that what I'm saying is, if you don't want me to let go, make me believe I shouldn't.

This is Alee. She was Alice, one day, and I took her picture and never did anything with them, because I did not like them. Here's one that I do like.

Monday, June 15, 2009

What I really wanted to say to you.

It's kind of hard to read.

Fahkmahlav. It's a Greek delicacy.

I have a couple days to waste, so why not waste today?

I started to clean my room, however, I got tired of it after an hour. It's still a sty. But I will have it clean by the end of the week! If I don't get it done, I will not make plans until it is spotless.
I am feeling very lethargic today. Nothing to do. I'm kind of twiddling my thumbs to pass the time.

I wrote/gathered a bunch of quotes. Care to read? For me, they TOTALLY HIT HOME.

Have you ever met someone where you say, "Hello," and hope that they are in your life for the rest of your life?

Good thing you have facebook, or else I'd have forgotten what you look like by now.

I wonder if there will ever be a night where I do not dream about you. I guess my subconscious still wishes things were different.

I am an idealist. I do not know where I am going, but I am on my way. - Carl Sandburg

You can cover up the cracks in your heart, but they will never go away. They are just less noticeable - Keltie C

Grow up, human race, and just BE BETTER.

I remember you came to me for advice one time. I told you to be FEARLESS and LIVE LIFE FULL OUT. I wish that I could follow my own advice.

One of the main reasons we're here is to affect one another, to connect, make memories. I just wish that I wasn't so afraid of it.

You are a wall a break myself against. For a while, I wondered if I was the same to you. And then I realized: of course not.

Dear you,
I miss you even though you are right there.

I miss a lot of people even though I see them everyday.

I followed you because no one else would follow you. - Running in the Family by Michael Ondaatje

I am running out of post-it notes.
(That means more to me than it probably does to you, fyi...)

One night, at exactly midnight, someone drove by my house blaring The Scientist by Coldplay. It made me feel strange and sad. Connected, but I do not know to what.

It's so hard to do anything.

I can't bring myself to do anything.

Raising your voice: the closest thing to being right.

Yelling makes me feel really good and really awful at the same time.

I feel trapped in my own brain.

It's so hard to physically SAY anything about how I'm feeling. Whenever I open my mouth, I feel like I'm going to throw up my heart.

I have been waiting for that huge door to open for me for quite some time now.

Everyday, I see cancer. Cigarettes and shortness of breath. And you wonder why you cough.

I realized a while ago that I have disassociated myself from many of people. I just want you all to know that I am sorry.

I know that when I saw you after our over-the-phone argument, I wanted to cry and hug you and tell you that you mean so much to me. You told me I could tell you anything, but I didn't tell you that because I didn't know if you felt the same way. Old habits die hard.

There's a hole in my whole.

There are so many things I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

My skeleton aches.

You can't put your arm around a memory.

Building castles in the sky.

When did your eyes go missing?

"Nobody has ever told me that before."
"I am glad to know that I am not nobody."

Alone in an empty room.
Alone in a crowded room.

I open my eyes and see nothing.
I close my eyes and see everything.

The sun came out to great you.

I do not know what this turned in to, but it is exquisitely sad.

I had a thought. "That is not art, that is just life." And then I remembered, art IS life.

Someone said there are worse things than being alone. I do not know if I agree with this.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I make plans to break plans

I know, I didn't post yesterday.

I told you that I felt like we make plans to break plans. If you want to hang out with me, then you need to put in effort, because I am so tired. I do not want to waste any more energy on you, because I am using my energy to be a better ME. I act a lot around you. Sorry, but it's the truth.
I think you don't always tell me the truth. Maybe you tell me a little of it, but not the complete truth. If you really mean it, get off your ass and let me know. If you want me to tell you things, you need to do the same to me. I think you are a really big hypocrite. Nothing personal.

Today, I discovered the magic of Yes to Carrots.
All natural, 95% organic and best of all... NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS! There is also Yes to Tomatoes and Yes to Cucumbers. And how great is it that this amazingness is sold at Walgreens are Target? VERY.
Yayayayayay! Happiness! I want to buy all of it.
And today, I threw out my animal tested products and bought new makeup that has not been tested on animals. Excitement.

I really really want to try out everything. Almost too good to be true.

PS, the other day, when I was at the grocery store, they played Believe by Cher over the PA system. It was like a disco inferno in my head.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I solemnly swear that I am up to some good.

This is my kitty, Callie the Calico Cat. She died last summer. I miss her so. She liked rubbing her teeth and gums on my fingers and she liked having her head scratched. She was an attention whore. She was also very prissy. Only the best for Callie the Calico, and no doggies were allowed near in her early years. Later in her life, she realized that my doggie, Tess, was there to stay (until she passed shortly after Callie). So Callie the Calico warmed up to Tess a little and would let her get near. But some days, Callie would not have it-- especially when she was being scratched. No attention for smelly doggies when Callie wanted love (and fingers). Oh, how I miss my kitty Callie the Calico.
I also had a kitty named Sabrina the Curious Cat (Sadly, I do not have a picture on my computer). She was pretty, with long black hair. I do not know what kind she was, but I know that she was not a Persian. She was not prissy and she loved doggies (Tess loved her, too). The first day I brought her home from CAP, I was holding her in my arms and showing her around the house. My house is very old and cracks sometimes, so when the house creaked, it scared my Curious Cat and she scratched my arm and made it bleed. After putting some neosporin and band aids on my little wounds, I laid in bed, teary eyed. My Curious Cat sensed my pain and laid with me, purring. I forgave my kitty Sabrina. She died sometime when I was in middle school. One night, curiosity got the best of my kitty and she was hit by a car. I miss Sabrina the Curious Cat.
I must get a new kitty soon. I miss the kitty love.

I have decided that I will not by animal tested products again. I have also decided that very soon, I will dismiss meat from my plate for good. I have already stopped eating beef and pork, and now I think I will dismiss chickens and turkey as well. I do not want to hurt the little animals. However, I will probably continue eating eggs, as long as they are from uncaged, vegetarian chickens (meaning they are fed grain and not wormies). I will also continue drinking milk, as long as the cows are unharmed and are in the best conditions.
Speaking of turkey, though... I went to the grocery store last night (before I decided to swear off all meat... This is why I am not stopping quite yet...) and I decided I missed hot dogs. And being a non beef/pork eater, I searched for turkey dogs. My mom picked up a package that SAID it was turkey dogs. I, being very wise, looked at the ingredients. It had beef stock in it! I do not think it can be considered TURKEY if it has any beef product in it what-so-ever. So I threw those things down and found some without any animal other than turkey. I felt like I outsmarted that company.
But yes, soon I will not consume any meat.

It's no fun on the side lines.

I hate feeling unwanted. However, I do not know how to fix this.
I need to hurry up and get my driver's license and a car so I can drive to people's houses and not feel lonely and get my mind off of the people that I care about that I think do not feel the same way.
Le sigh. Today is a new day, though.
I finally did my application for COLLEGE!
I'm moving on. I have decided on an English major with a teaching degree. I think, that if I become an English teacher, I can still be a part of a dance company. I can still take technique classes. Yay for multiple opportunities! :D
After I get a car/license, I'm going to look for a job. Then maybe I can save up and get a small apartment. I probably will not have a TV or anything, unless my mom/grandparents help out (come on, I'll be a student working at a crap job for little money. I'm going to need SOME help to get my footing.). But I really thing that I do need to move out. My house is a total clusterfuck. I hate living here with my mother, and I think getting out would be good for my mind and body.
I need to love who I am and it's hard to do that here.

Won't let me embed it, but love love lvoe.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

If you want the rainbow, you must to put up with the rain.


Tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow will be the start of a better ME.
I will be realistic.
I will EXPECT THE BEST from others.
I will love me.
I will be happy as a clud when good things happen. (yes. Clud. Not cloud.. even if that's what it means.)
I will be strong.
I will not let myself go.
I will not settle.
I will live my life full out.
I will be fearless.
This chapter has ended. It is time for me to write a new one.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable on the car rides home?

I think too much.
I feel too much.
I know you are annoyed that I feel certain things, but I do not know how to feel any differently.

I feel like I am wasting my energy on you. Instead, I need to focus on being a better me. I know it's pathetic, but I need to be nice to me. I need to love me. I need to be happy when good things happen. I need to set the bar higher for myself, as well as other people. I need to EXPECT THE BEST if I want to feel good about me. It is not okay to feel this way. It may be considered normal, but I do not want to be normal. I do not want to follow the paths of others. I was born to be a trail blazer! I have told myself that I will not settle. I cannot settle. 
Just DO it, or you'll regret it all your life.
Basically, you need to have the mindset of Keltie Colleen. Don't be her, but follow her advice. She knows what she's talking about.

PS, I cannot get a line from Beware! Cougar! by The Academy Is... out of my head.
What is it about the last lines of songs that get me?
"Don't write a word, 'cause I won't reply."

PPS - I know. Two posts in one day.

Honk if you're flawed. The real real truth.

I feel like I have become a blogging whore.
I suddenly cannot stop talking about my feelings.

A while ago, I did that Things You Want To Say To Twenty People But Would Never Say It To Their Face Because You Are Chicken Shit thing and it kind of backfired. But I decided to do yet another. I'm feeling ballsy. So ballsy, that I am actually TELLING YOU WHO SOME OF THEM ARE. OMG. I'm nutty, aren't I? (Not all of them will be named.) (PS- Notice the trend.)
1. Keltie Colleen: You're THE RADDEST PERSON EVER. You do what you love and you're not afraid to do it. You know what your problems are and you don't hesitate to fix them. I know a lot of people tell you that you're awesome, but I think you need to hear it to remind yourself. Even in your weakest moments, you are so strong. If I could be like anyone, I would want to be like you.

2. I feel like you avoid me like the plague whenever that person who will remain nameless is not around. And maybe that's for the better. I'm afraid that if we were to hang out alone, we would be silent. I had a dream about you that scared me. I never want to have a dream about you again. And I'm trying really hard to get over needing your friendship.

3. Bryan Owens: I think you're such a rad guy. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself; people think you're deep, artistic, profound and poetic already. I respect you even though I know a lot of people don't.

4. I love you, but you annoy me sometimes. I also think you can be so pretty, but there are moments where I find you to be so ugly. However, I think this is true for everyone.

5. You're so immature sometimes.

6. Morgan M: You need to be more like her. I know you're afraid of the future and of what people say and think and do, but you need to get over it and be more like her. She has got her life in order because she did what she felt she should do. You should not be afraid to be broken, either. It's a part of life. "Even when you leave me with nothing, I still have everything." And I know that you're not searching, but STOP FLOATING and DO SOMETHING. You're pathetic.

7. Jeffre C.:  I use you. I use you for food, shelter, money, clothing and rides. I don't care about you. I don't feel bad. I can't help it and I can't force myself to have pity on you. I know it sucks, but shut up. In the words of Bill Beckett, minus the kissing part of course, "You kiss me like an over dramatic actor who's starving for work with one last shot to make it happen."

8. Morgan:  You're so rude. You're too blunt. I'm pretty sure a lot of people pretend to like you.

9. Morgan: You're so full of shit and I hate that about you. But I know you can't change because you're afraid. I understand that.

10. Brianna R: I wish you could see what was in my head. I think I should write a letter to you, explaining myself and my thoughts. It will probably make you mad and happy and sad and angry, but at least it would be the truth.

12. Morgan:  Don't settle.

13. Morgan:  You're an alright pretender, but I'm pretty sure a handful of people can see through you.

14. Morgan: I feel like you try too hard to poetic. I feel like you try too hard to be funny. I wonder if people think you are genuinely funny/poetic.

15. Anneka: I want to hold your hand and do your taxes.

16. Ken H.: I could care less if you fell off a cliff. I know it's awful to say, but it's the truth. I don't like you AT ALL. In fact, I hate you with every fiber of my being. I wish you would disappear.

17. Someone who I am unsure if they exist or not: I would like to meet you. I think that you could help me. I think that you could help fill that hole that I cannot fill myself. And not with spackle, but with a piece that YOU HAVE.

18. Door: I want you to open up. I've been waiting for a while, now.

19. RPattz: The fact that you smoke ruins your sex appeal for me. It's not that big of a deal, because even if we could, I more than likely wouldn't. I'm probably crazy for saying that. But it's the truth.

20. Don't write a word, 'cause I won't reply.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Old habits die hard.

I know that when I saw you after our over-the-phone argument, I wanted to hug you and cry and tell you how much you mean to me.
You told me that I could tell you anything, but I didn't tell you that because I didn't know if you felt the same.

You are a wall I break myself against. For a while, I wondered if I were the same to you. But then I realized.

Of course not.

I miss people even though they are right in front of me.

I have also realized that I have purposefully disassociated myself from many people. I want you all to know that I am sorry.

That picture is so old. Two years ago, when I still had blonde in my hair and when we still had to wear our hair in buns for Spring Show. My makeup looked like crap because I had been crying because the seniors were leaving. This year, I was the senior that was leaving. I didn't cry until I saw everyone else crying.

I frequently wonder if it is wrong for me to miss those days.

A dream I had last night worried me, so I looked what it meant up on the internet. The website said it meant that I was in need of physical and emotional love, but also indicates my reservations in a new relationship or situation and that I feel nervous about exposing myself to people.
This is exactly how i feel.

Someone said there are worse things than being alone. I'm not sure if I completely agree.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I don't dig nature.

I think there are so many things I want out of life. I'm not sure if it's too much and I will never achieve my goals or if it will come to me in due time. But I do not know how to go about it.
My fortune cookie said, "Stop searching. Happiness will come to you." Will it? I hope so desperately that it does. I want so many things. I want them all to happen. I think that, if they do, I will have achieved my personal happiness. I do not want to settle, but I am afraid that I will. There is so much that I want to do that I'm afraid of doing, so I'm unsure if any of it will get done and I'll end up doing something I don't want to be doing.

I daydream a lot. I think about what I could do, what I should do, what I want to do, what I feel so strongly that I need to do.
And I keep wondering WHEN it will happen, IF it happens. I dream and wonder and hope and worry about the future. It's all for the stars to decide.
It's nature's will, and I can't say I believe in nature.

Photo credit: Keltie C.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Good morning. Today is that day.

Here is something I posted on Facebook note, and to which, I tagged people to do it.

Hokay, Alee and I were talking and she told me this idea she had. Basically, you chose one of my quotes from below and you write something with it. It doesn't have to be long at all. And I don't want an "about the quote." I want something inspired by the quote. You don't have to do this, either.

Example (I used multiple because they fit together):

Those days were so clear to me. We knew each other and we knew ourselves. We knew the world-- or at least our own.
What happened? I woke up and YOU were gone.
I did everything I could, didn't I?
And when I finally found you again, I said, " I lost myself in search of you."
To which, you replied, "Come back when you find yourself."


"I don't have much to say."

"I dream the same dream every night."

"And I stood off to the side, staring and jealous."

"I would like to learn how to completely disappear."

"Heavy thoughts and heavy boots." or "Heavy words and heavy boots."

"It looks like you have given up."

"I lost myself in search of you."

"Come back when you find yourself."

"I was so busy missing you, I missed someone else that was standing right in front of me. Now I'm missing them instead."

"There were lessons in those streets I should have listened to then. I am listening now. "

"I made this for you. You will never see it."

"Good morning. Today is that day."

"Where is the moon tonight?"

Here is what I got:

Johnathan B (he did multiple):
 There were lessons in those streets I should have listened to then. I am listening now. Fuck one-ways.
It looks like you have given up. Cheer up Wilco kid.
"I would like to learn how to completely disappear" was all he could think while we got 5 dollars worth of quarters for laundry today.
"I don't have much to say, other than honey! they shrunk the canned ravioli!" 

Colton C (also did multiple):
"I dream the same dream every night." & Still wake up screaming.
"I don't have much to say." because I speak through my camera.
"I lost myself in search of you." because you don't really exist. 

I watch people who get what they want every day just because their parents are trust fund babies, although I know money doesn't buy happiness forever it would buy it for me now.--- this is the quote that I used but I used it as the concept."And I stood off to the side, staring and jealous." 
"I would like to learn how to completely disappear." for the days that I truly wish I could be invisible.

Come back when you find yourself. We love you. We need you. But that’s the thing. You’re not YOU anymore. You’ve turned into something foreign and unfamiliar and none of us like it. They told me, “She’ll never go back to how she used to be.” I think they’re right. I mean, I hope they’re wrong, but I think they’re right. But I hope they’re wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

Jonathan A:
Of the things I’ve made, you’ll never see many. I tell myself that I’ll show them to you at some time or another, but in reality I know that what I’m saying is well… it’s a lie. I wish I could prove to myself that I’ve courage or a sufficient desire, but it’s no matter; from what I have done for you, and for what I hope to do, I only wish to be able to say but one. I wish perhaps, that one day my hope and inability will collide and I’ll be left able to say but one thing- "I made this for you. You will never see it."

Anneka P (clever, she used them all in one):
Where is the moon tonight? It’s dark, and it only reminds me of how lonely I am. I lost myself in search of you. I never learned and now I am weighed down by heavy words, heavy thoughts, and heavy boots. There were lessons in those streets I should have listened to then. I am listening now, and I would like to learn how to completely disappear, like you. My ignorance is gone because I am reminded. Reminded by this paper flower I am holding. I made this for you. You will never see it. It looks like you have given up. I’ve missed you. I can’t help but say please, come back when you find yourself. But then again, I was so busy missing you, I missed someone else that was standing right in front of me. Now I’m missing them instead.
Here they were, being whisked away without me, and I stood off to the side, staring and jealous. I dream the same dream every night, where I just get away from it all. I don’t have much to say anymore. And as the darkness around me fades to light and my paper flower is blown away by the wind, morning comes. I imagine a day where I am free from upset, where we all are happy and peaceful. I imagine you beside me saying, “Good morning. Today is that day.”

Thursday, June 4, 2009

What was said about you yesterday.

I need to learn how to take my own advice. Two of my favorite quotes are good pieces of advice that I need to take.
"Live life FULL OUT."

"Morgan Miller is such a beautiful dancer; she isn't afraid to be ugly, which I believe makes a dancer even more enticing to watch. Out of all the choreography I have seen from Silver Starz, hers, to me, is by far the best. When I watch Molly Snell, I feel like I am watching someone go, "Oh, look at this thing I can do, oh and this too." But when I watch Morgan, It's like watching someone pour their soul out and honestly expressing who she is. And it's people who are like her that create 'art'."

Thank you.
I needed this.
Thank you.