"I exist in this little bubble of Keltie, and if I chose not to reach out into the world for a few days, I am never surprised to not be contacted by anyone, I fly by without showing up on any persons radar. That is a terrible way to feel, and a terrible thing to realize: I literally do not matter to anyone."
Monday, November 30, 2009
When you first started changing everything, I was shocked. Then happy, then annoyed, then content. And now I'm alone again. Everything's going to go back the way it was, only worse because I am alone to deal with her.
You just ruined everything again.
And now I have to readjust.
I am suddenly feeling sad again.
Edit. Keltie Colleen, get outta muh squishies:
There is a large part of me that is still very mad at the world because I do not understand why good people, like me, have to be lonely.
I watch all these people buzzing like bees around me in all the different areas of my life and everyone seems to be connected to something. I feel disconnected. I am just alone. Everything I am connected to is keltiemade by me and so really it is just a connection to myself. I exist in this little bubble of Keltie, and if I chose not to reach out into the world for a few days, I am never surprised to not be contacted by anyone, I fly by without showing up on any persons radar. That is a terrible way to feel, and a terrible thing to realize: I literally do not matter to anyone. I want to be happy for all the people I see, and know, who are in love, for everyone holding hands, for all the people that do not have be alone, wondering, like me, if they some how deserve this loneliness, if maybe god, or the universe never did really forgive me for my sins. It must be nice to wake up somewhere, and belong there and know that it is a forever situation, that your love you share with someone isn’t a trend or a time that will be replaced and forgotten at some point. That the person looking back at you sees you as their connection in life , that you are not an afterthought and never will be. That they are not thinking about the time when you wont be there, because you will always be there.
I want that. Please.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
1. How can you expect anyone to know you when you don't even know yourself?
2. I try not to talk about you anymore.
3. This is me. I can't help it. This is me.
4. Why isn't anything freaking AWESOME yet? And I mean for more than just a day. Why can't I have an awesome year, when everything starts picking up and starts being right? Do I not deserve it yet? Do I need to have more shitty things happen to me in order for it to start getting good? I feel like this is unfair.
5. I think about you all the time but I don't say anything.
6. I get jealous.
7. You're slow.
8. Self absorbed.
9. Unnecessarily rude. What did she do to you? Oh, that's right. Nothing.
10. I haven't seen you in ages. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I DO see you. I'm not gonna lie, I avoided you a couple times. I wonder if my art is still there... The path to enlightenment is rocky. Rocky is not the path to enlightenment.
"I am fearless. This is my heart."
Time for something funny. Mean Girls, anyone?
Friday, November 20, 2009
I love you. I love your eyes. I love your smell. I love your hair. I love your laugh. I love your skin. I love everything inside you. And I'll try to make all the parts that I find, happy.
Because you make me happy. So much.
Because you make me happy. So much.
I'd like that.
Other news, my belly and thighs need to stop growing. (Please don't tell me I'm not fat, I know I'm not, but I'm heavier than I've ever been and heavier than I ever want to be.) It's really time to kick myself into shape. I think I'll feel better overall if I do.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
I'm thinking of deleting you from my friend's list. I'm thinking about deleting you from my phone. It might be rash, but you don't try at all. And, you know, that's not okay anymore. Actually, it was never okay, but I put up with it because I love you.
Seriously. Fuck it.
1. We gave Beast away to CAP. Tara couldn't afford to keep him. Unfortunately, CAP euthanizes if they run out of space/the animal has heart worms or some other medical condition. I pray to God that Beast doesn't have heart worms and someone wanted a Beagle puppy this afternoon. He deserves a good home.
2. Apparently, on the way back from getting car insurance, I ran a red light in my mom's car while following her in my car. She drives like a fucking nutcase. So, now I owe her seventy-five bucks and I don't have a job. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
3. It's small, but the soap dispenser the brush attached to the sink to wash dishes is NOT doing it's job. The soap will not come out. It is full of dishwashing liquid. I do not understand. On top of that, the kitchen is a fucking mess. I am too exhausted to finish it.
4. One of my friends is really sucking right now. Like, really really sucking. They must be bipolar or something. Holy hell.
6. I AM GETTING SO FUCKING FAT OH MY GOD
Christ O'Riley's trousers.
Keltie Colleen wrote this for her book that's dropping next year (I think). It stuck a chord in me.
"No matter what I did or accomplished I had to fake self- esteem. I put it on in the morning along with my make-up. I forced myself to act strong, confident, and in control. I was none of the things. My heart and my head were constantly duking it out. Sometimes my guts would get involved. They could not agree on what I should be doing with my life, my career or my heart. I had built too much to stand around and watch it fall apart so I did what I always did, I smiled, I skipped and I sucked it up. I worked harder. I exhausted myself in every aspect of life, making it work. I refused to fail. I refused to ask for help. I refused to believe that I was anything special and instead worked overtime to create the image to anyone that might be looking in, that I was."
Photo credit: Gabriel Zalweski. (That's me in the photo, by the way. Rehearsing on stage. I miss the stage.)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Keith Harkin from Celtic Thunder singing The Island.
1. This guy's a dreamboat.
2. His voice is fucking awesome.
3. This song is fucking awesome.
I watched Celtic Thunder, like, a year ago or so because it was on TV. My mom and I were pretty much drooling over this guy during this song. And yes, I like Celtic Thunder. Yes, I am a loser. No, I don't really care.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
So, time for a slew of memes, just because.
It all started with this photo:
No one knew what this guy was looking at, but they assumed he saw some girl's donk and was thinking, "Damn, check out DAT ASS." And then, these were born: