I really hate uninspired dancers.
I'm struggling. A lot. I don't know where I'll be living or if I will even be driving. And there is a part of me that is so excited to be studying art and english, and at the same time, a part of me feels abandoned. There's a part of me that really wants to keep dancing and dance professionally and be in CATS. But I know that my body isn't made for dancing. I want to act in movies, but I have had no training and that is such a hard industry to break into.
I am trying to live my life Full Out and Fearless but there is so much that is so hard to be fearless with, and it is just so easy to do things half way. There is so much I need to be doing but I am not.
And worst of all, I am lonely. There was a moment in my dream last night that was so nice, and I woke up and thought, "That was such a strange dream. But I wish that one part was real." I know the difference between being alone and lonely and I am both. But silly me, love is for winners.
I am sorry I haven't been more communicative with you. I'm sorry I rarely hang out with you. Whenever I hang out with you, I have a good time in the moment. And then, at the end of the day, I realize I never said a word. And when I did tell a story, it wasn't funny enough. I don't fit in with you guys. Maybe individually. But I feel that I've always been an outsider whenever I come over and all your friends who are sixteen are there, especially now that I've graduated. You guys laugh at each others jokes and talk about things that I have no idea what you're talking about because I was a senior and not a part of your everyday life. I don't want to say it's because I'm older, but you know, maybe that's it. I don't have your sense of humor- as hilarious as it is. I'm eighteen and I can't pull off the same style of "funny" as you and your friends do. I feel really left out when I'm at your house. And then when I do talk, I'm interrupted (and I had to interrupt someone to even get the first word out) and then no one laughs or gets what I'm saying and then I look like an asshole and I get really bad headaches with everyone talking over one another. I think you're hilarious. I think you're a really awesome, kick ass, rad chick. But I just don't know what to say. It's hard to try and make someone feel good when it makes you feel like shit.
And it's not even that I have my own life. I really don't. I haven't talked to the majority of my high school friends. I'm not a part of their plans, and really, they aren't a part of mine. The only friends I have hung out with this summer are Alee, Anne, Justin (like, once), and then you and whoever has been at your pool soirees. I have one friend who says they're not avoiding me but it still feels like it. I feel like they don't really care too much about me. Trust me, I care about you. I still want to get to know you. But whenever I see you, you're putting on your I'm Happy face and we're not really talking about something that really matters. I want to talk to you about something that matters.
So, I guess, all I can say is that I'm sorry. I don't want to be aloof and I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to find myself.