I was just thinking.

I still feel abandoned. Do you read this? I told you that you could and that offer still rings true. I think a part of me hopes you do, so I can still stay somewhat connected, even if you blocked my emails and deleted me from your facebook friends list (which felt a little like I was deleted from existence, like I just disappeared off the earth when you clicked the X by my name and photo.) The email was such a shock. I didn't really know what to do or how to respond. I liked the thought of keeping in touch. I thought we would be friends now.

Brianna wanted to make plans, and we talked about orientation on Saturday, and I wondered who I'd see if I went. I decided there were some people I'd like to see, wouldn't mind seeing, and then there were people I didn't want to see, and your name was on that list. And it's not because I don't like you-- I still do, even after the email. I can't help but think you are so genuine and intelligent. But I'm not ready to see you. I guess a part of me is still angry and sad and shocked and hurt. And maybe to you, it wasn't that big of a deal, and maybe it really isn't a big deal, and Alee and I blew it way out of proportion, but I can't choose how I feel. I used to talk on this blog about how I would forge on fearlessly like Keltie Colleen and Live Life Full Out, but I feel so alone with all these changes that it is way too hard to and it's just better that I stop pretending, and I think the reminder that you aren't there anymore scrapes at my insides. Well. You are there. But you aren't THERE. I hate losing people. I think I have felt hollow since the eighth grade but I didn't know it until my senior year. Your absence is a reminder of so many things that I would love to forget.

Today was a good/bad day. I will now make a list.

Bad:

1. Had a sad dream. My chain would not spark to light the flame so I could fly my rocket to a boy across the ocean. It was night time and the sky was starry, but my rocket would not go. The water was cold and had splashed onto the dock that I was on. I was so sad and I woke up feeling a little empty.

2. Hanging out with all the girls I used to eat lunch with and went to school with made me realize that was our last hurrah before we went our separate ways. I know I stopped eating lunch with them halfway through the year, but I never want to lose any of them. It makes me so sad to think that maybe I won't get to see them until a 10 year high school reunion.

3. Another reminder I'm not going back to high school with Brianna. I love that girl and it makes me sad that we're getting closer now that I've left. I'm not going back with Anita or Vanessa, Justin, Cara, Ashley (I don't fucking care if everyone hates her.), Stephanie, Colton, Katie, Charlie, anyone who I associated myself with.

4. It's kind of miniscule, but Ticketmaster was being a sincere a-hole. Like, if I could have slapped that website, I definitely would have.

5. Knowing big scary things await in the rest of this week and the rest of my life.

Good:

1. If I could have put today on repeat, I would have. I missed those girls and it was so good to just chill at Molly's, eating obscene amounts of food and playing Catch Phrase, and just sitting and talking. So great. I love just sitting and talking with people, and remembering special moments that we have shared. I have only ever had one other time like that: when I hung out with Anne, Alee and Justin and we recalled our fondest memories of one another. That was another night I wouldn't mind having on repeat for a while.

2. Finally overpaying for concert tickets. A small win.

3. Talking. Talking talking talking. Thinking, taking off the mask, letting myself just BE. Letting myself think about things.

But for some reason, even though there are only three good and five bad, the good outweighs the bad.

Photo cred: Myself. Starbucks with Bucio's camera.